It's pretty sad just how much I dread when Sunday comes. My weekends have become much too short, and my weeks have become much too droning. I'm not sure where I'm going right now. I like working at Oakley for the most part. I like the people I work with, I like the company, but I find myself thinking more about where it's all going. Am I going to move up in this company and work here forever? I had a completely different plan for myself a year ago. I don't regret anything and I'm not unhappy though. I suppose I'm still getting used to it.


I miss my family, the ones that matter most are halfway across the world. I miss my best friend.


I have the feeling like I'm looking for something, but I can't find it. I don't know what it is, though.


I guess I can chalk this all up to the weird and ever-increasing existential moments I've been having. Sometimes I'll have moments where I feel like I'm looking at my own life from outside and wondering if that is really me.


I have this wrinkle on the left side of my mouth that I can see growing deeper. It's contributed to my fear of getting old, and increased the thoughts I have on my own mortality.


I wonder where my dad is right now.

I've been feeling more confident and at ease with my body lately. I've had problems with body image issues for a long time and it's been a veritable roller coaster ride from high school to present day. I remember having both the energy and body-confidence in high school to dress kick-ass (or as kick-ass as my high school uniform code would allow), do elaborate makeup everyday, and wear tight-fitting, skimpy clothing that flaunted my nubile, jail-bait figure and naval piercing. I was 5'7 and 140 lb. I was cute and I was skinny.

When I entered college my weight stayed the same throughout freshman year, and I got even thinner towards sophomore year. I still dressed pretty much the same, but with less effort all-around. That style and body confidence slowly started to dwindle in junior year when I slowly gained about 20 pounds all the way throughout the end of college. I was a mess, and I didn't look or feel like myself. I wore baggy jeans, basketball shorts, t-shirts, flip flops, and baseball caps to hide my face all the time. It was the most unnattractive and pathetic I've ever felt in my life. When I would run into people I hadn't seen in awhile I could see the initial shock, then the confusion in their expressions asking "Dude, what the fuck happened?" I was crawling in my own skin. And the truth is I don't know what the fuck happened, or how I could let it happen. In reality it was a combination of growing out of my teenage body and gaining the womanly curves and bits of suck, not watching what and how much of what I was eating, and my boyfriend and I starting to fuck leading to me changing my birth control pills.

I realize this is all rather silly considering there are plenty of girls that are much heavier (some of whom I find rather attractive) than I am, and that I wasn't even "fat". I wish I had either owned it, or tried doing something to fix it besides wallowing.

Things got easier after I graduated college, I grew up a little more and I let go of the angst and pining (the psychotic, crazy pining) for my girlish, teenage figure. I donated the baggy jeans and pants, and I put away the t-shirts and basketball shorts. I also started to watch what I ate, but I wasn't exercising yet. My weight started to stabalize just from watching my diet and I didn't feel as low as I had in the previous couple of years.

Now, I can say I'm in an okay place. Not great but okay, because fuck, I still have a sick desire to be model-thin, hell to even be as thin as I was in high school/early college and to fit into a pair of my old jeans.. which is sadly something I think won't ever go away. I'm still not where I'd like to be physically, however I do feel the healthiest and strongest I've felt in a long time. I go to the gym, do yoga and pilates and eat a well and balanced diet for the most part. I figure if I keep going on this track my body will follow to some degree. One can always hope.

I'm alive. It's been a busy few weeks.

My mom visisted again and there was major drama that went down between us that consisted of a mix of repressed childhood resentment coupled with our language barrier with a dash of irrational, Korean anger. I won't go into details but after everything I'm glad it happened, we finally got to talk that stuff out. Things are really great between us now. While she was here we straightened out the rest of the house stuff, ran errands, and had a dinner party for my extended family.

On a completely different topic, I have never been filled with a stronger urge to SHOP than I have right now. I WANT TO BUY SO MANY THIINNGGGSSS. I WANT TO GO SHOPPINNNNGGGG, but I CAN'T because I have no MONNNIIIEEESSS. AGHGHGKGHHG, I WANT A FUCKING JOB!

Lately I've also developed a taste for fabulous high heels. I never used to wear heels unless they were for a special occasion, because I was always insecure about my height. I was always the tallest out of my Asian friends because they were of average Asian-midget height. But lately I can't seem to stop lusting after beautiful high heeled shoes. I just got a pair of black leather, tiny gold-studded bootie heels that I've been wearing out for no reason at all.

I need monies. :(

I haven't been posting much, and have been crap about keeping up to date on the dad entries, but my mom came to town last week to see me and we've since had family over and cleaning/getting the last of the new place straightened out and generally running about. A few things.

- I'm in norcal right now for the weekend. It is sort of strange being back home, I feel like a guest. Everything seems calmer up here. I just drove mom and I up yesterday from Irvine for my ortho appointment. Teeth rape to the max.

- I experienced non-disdain for a baby (newest girl cousin) for the first time in my life. Yes, she put her fat little arms around my neck and hugged me. A large part of my identity has been skewed. WHO AM I?? But it comes and goes.

- I am apparently getting a new car. Pictures later.

- Pictures of my new socal residence coming also.

I haven't been updating this past week because my computer broke while I was home (goddamn you internet porn). I'm using my boyfriend's laptop right now to update, and I can also finally get back to doing my dad-posts. During the past week I packed up my life and made the seven hour car trip to Irvine, I've been moving in for the last two days and I am so so so tired but also deliriously happy with the beautiful new house, and being able to see the boyfriend everyday.

Now if only I can find a job. Anyone know anyone who's hiring around here? Seriously.


Miss you Lazy Eye, and Boo. <3

Finally, a post of actual substance? I'm a bad blogger.

I hope everyone had a pleasant Christmas and new year. As for my Christmas, I spent it cooking (I was on my friggen GAME), and for my news years getting sloshed at my favorite tranny bar, Asia SF.

The new year has also brought on a confusing, and life-changing event for me. It was originally planned for the boyfriend to move up here with me for a couple of years so I could stay close to my family, and so I could finish culinary school. When my mom and uncle came back from Korea this last trip they announced that they wanted to make Korea their main residence and just come back to the states once in awhile to visit. I know, WTF?! I knew this was going to happen some day, it makes sense for them to want to live there, but I didn't know it was going to happen so goddamn soon. Without my family here it isn't very fair to the boyfriend to move up here, and I could go to school somewhere down there.. or just get a cubicle job for a while to save up some money. Everything is happening so fast!

Then the boy decided that now would be a good time to buy a small house! He made an offer yesterday, on a three bedroom house 4 miles from UCI. I AM A GROWN UP?! I can't believe we're not going to rent.

Is it weird that I just don't feel like myself in socal. It's not something you get unless you've lived for a prolonged period in both Californias. I'm going to miss the frosty weather and laid-back culture.. and the city.


But now I can get pinkberry whenever I want.

Remember the days when I updated several times a week? Where in the world did I find all the material to do so?!

Life is currently made up of culinary school (which is totally not as fun as it sounds, since I just started and are just doing the boring, bookwork classes like purchasing and sanitization), looking for a job (WEEEP..), flying back and forth from here to Irvine to visit the boyfriend, and hanging out with my grandma and dog. Alas, I is quite boring!


I've been pretty healthy for the past couple months though. Since mom isn't around I've been cooking for myself, and I've been eating really healthy and going to the gym a lot because I'm the only one in the fam besides my mom that has the bring-a-friend attatchment on my membership; so I take my grandma every other day to go work out. This is the longest "health kick" I have ever been on! I dare say it is blossoming into a "lifestyle change" ( I hate that phrase).


Boring and healthy.



My dog is snoring on my lap.

So it's been sort of a shitty couple of weeks. My mom won't be back for another month (probably longer) and in a weird way she needs to be around to keep the sanity around the family. I really miss her.

It's taking a really long time for the Sony people to give me my replacement laptop. I always forget how much it sucks to not have a computer at my whim.

Sometimes I hate being Korean. My cousin who's five years older than I am got into a little awkward tiff this morning that started when I told him to shut the fuck up after getting annoyed about his usual, overly-aggressive joking manner. I've never been outspoken with him before, but sometimes it gets very tiring when he gets into his moments where he's in your face and starts raising his voice. I realized that that's the type of person he is, and the way he jokes around happens to be really aggressive and annoying, but sometimes it just gets old. I tried to apologize:

Me: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just been a long morning."
Him: "Some things can never be unsaid. Don't talk to me unless you have sometime important to say."
Me: "Okay.. so you can say whatever you want to anyone, but no one can say anything to you?"
Him: "You know when I'm saying those things that I'm joking, you were serious. And I've never told you to shut the fuck up before."
Me: "Yes you have, more than once."
Him: "When?"
Me: "When you were drunk."
Him: "That doesn't count."
Me: "Oh really? So nothing you say ever counts?"
Him: "Look, I am older than you. Would you tell your mom, or Uncle to shut the fuck up?"
Me: "You are not my mom."
Him: "I am older than you. I could've beat the shit out of you for saying that to me, but no, I'm being patient and I'm really pissed off right now so don't talk to me now okay."

I don't think it's fair to demand respect when you haven't earned it. I hate the whole hierchical Korean culture where it doesn't matter if someone older than you is a complete retard, a total piece of shit, or is totally wrong about a situation. If you're younger you always have to respect them, and they are always right, no matter what. I'm not saying my cousin is all of the above, but seriously? Beat the shit out of me because I said something that in my opinion wasn't a terribly ghastly or horrible thing to say, out of anger, and tried to apologize for it? It makes no sense to me. I am 23, and he is 28, I am not a child anymore, we're both adults, and I can't believe that this had to be that big of a deal.

I haven't had access to teh intarnets for awhile, I feel so out of the loop!

My poor computer broke (posting this on a library computer) after three no-fuss years. :(

I got a job as a Peachy's Puff which I think will be pretty fun. Dressing up in bright and fluffy costumes and selling overpriced candy and cigarettes, yay! Help me think of a stage name!

1. I'm officially enrolled in a culinary school program. No more working at the crack motel, FUCK YES. I don't know what I'm happier about, starting something I've been wanting to do for a long time now, or finally getting out of doing something that I loathe with every fiber of my being. :D

2. No more long hair. I is no longer a hobo!



The stylist cut off SO much hair, and I even got to donate it :D. She put a band around it first and then chopped the whole tail off. I look so Asian, and about 5 years younger.


I feel really old being back on a campus. There are 17 year olds in my class. I was questioned by the cashier lady when I was checking out of the bookstore that the picture on my driver's license wasn't really me. She insisted, I told her it was, but that it was when I was in high school, taken 8 years ago.. 8 years ago! I'm still waiting to feel like a grown-up.

Yesterday I turned 23.

Today I got into a car accident (not my fault.)

Isn't life great!

It's become apparent to me that I have had a bad case of lj-constipation for a few years now. I can't count on entries to come out easily and regularly anymore. Now my entries are irregular, inconsistant, and sometimes, very hard to push out. I guess not having internet at my house doesn't help. I wish I was able to just go on lj, dick around on youtube, or catch up on my google reader whenever the mood strikes.

So.. a spell of unfortunate bad luck has left me with having to have braces again, at age 22. Also, upon seeing that I had braces again I think God saw an opportunity and struck me with a sudden, and violent eruption of acne all over my face. I seriously look 14 again, but not in the young, good, fresh way. Mandatory pictures will come later.

I am ashamed that I still haven't posted about going to Korea a couple months ago. It isn't that much stuff though, just a few random pictures and a couple of videos. I was just tagging along with my uncle and grandma who went to take care of some business, I'll update in a secret entry later on why I went on the trip. For now, I'm going to swim through all the footage and post it later.

My grandma made a particularly racist, and ignorant comment that prompted me to think about how most people become irrelevant when they get older. I think for a large precentage of people, life goes like this: you're born, you live, you become set in your ways and cannot and will not adapt to change, and you become irrelevant in modern-day society. I see the cycle, and it makes me frustrated, but also wary because I never, ever want to be that old lady, that racist, closed-minded, yappity old lady that nobody really listens to or takes seriously. It makes me feel guilty when I get frustrated with some of my older family members.

I haven't updated in far too long, so this was much needed. I miss livejournal, I remember when I was updating almost everyday back in high school, I've had this journal for six years! Wow :D.

1. General Life: Okay.. it's weird being out of school. School used to compose about 90% of the stress in my life, and now that it's over it's just very strange and unsettling. I'm also learning about various "grown-up things" like taxes, life insurance, and 401(k)'s. It is also strange living at home full-time again, but I can't complain, I get free shelter and food.

2. Work: I. Hate. It. Hate it. Then again I don't think many people have to deal with junkies and crack-whores on a regular basis at work. Oh the joys of being employed at a slum-motel. This is a normal conversation at work between me and a customer:

Customer: *Looks at microwave* How do you work this thing?
Me: Put your food in, enter the time, and press START.
Customer: Could you come out here and do it for me.
Me: M'am, it's a standard microwave, just enter the time, and press START.
Customer: *Starts to get impatient* Look, come out here and do it for me.
Me: Enter time. Press START.
Customer: You don't want to start with me, you just don't okay. Come out here and do it for me.
Me: No, because you should know how to use a standard microwave.
Customer: Are you insulting my intelligence?
Me: No, because only geniuses don't know how to use microwaves.

Okay so I didn't actually say that last part to her, and I did end up going outside of the front desk to do it for her because she wouldn't shut up. She had half of a burrito in there and when I asked her how long she wanted it done for she slurred out "Uhh, I don't know" and she didn't even look at me when I operated it. Stupid! I should've put it in there for 20 minutes. The only thing keeping me going is knowing this won't be forever. One of the things that was a plus during school is being able to make your own time to do things and having the energy to do things other then schoolwork. Work sucks up the majority of your time, and then by the time you do get home you're so drained and lazy that all you want to do is curl up in front of the tv for a couple of hours then sleep. I don't understand how regularly working people have the time and energy for huge social networks.

3. Family: Mom's doing better, and we got a new puppy! Will post pictures soon.

3. Love: Wonderful, and keeps getting better -knocks on wood-. :)

4. Health: Getting better! I finally got a gym membership, and started doing yoga which is harder then it looks and totally kicking my ass, but in a good way. My knee pain has gone away since I started wearing arch support sandals in the house and the exercise and time has been helping my old-lady back pain.

5. Pictures: happy_raincloud and I took silly webcam pictures for nostalgia's sake.

6. Britney Spears Guy: The only thing funnier than Britney's VMA performance is this guy's fervent defense of it. LOL.

I am suffering from a terrible case of procrastination. I have a 10 page paper due on friday that I really should be working on, but I'm sick. I really was going to start it today. I got as far as my name, and finding all my sources.. that's enough for today. Teehee. Worst time to be sick ever! Right during 10th and finals week. My eyeballs are sore. >.<

I'm graduating in like two weeks ZOMG!! I picked up my cap and gown on monday. The gown is huge, I look like a baby whale.

Geez, time flies, fours years feels like nothing now.

Some things..

1. Last week I cooked dinner for Henry's parents and his little sister over at their house. After dinner Henry was helping his little sister with something, and his mom and I decide to sit down and play a game of horse race. We're playing, having a fine time, then in the middle of the game she says "What do you think about Mr. Ong and I talking to your parents about when you and Henry get married." After a couple seconds of uncomfortable stuttering from me I politely told her that I thought it was too soon to be getting the parents together. Then she said that they're old-fashioned, and since Henry and I are living together she'd like to see some stability, and have us settle down soon. Then we proceeded to play the rest of the game while my heart was beating out of my chest.

Most uncomfortable/awkward conversation with my boyfriend's mom ever.. EVAR.

2. Everything's set and in order for me to graduate this spring. Holy crap, I'm going to be an adult! But maybe not yet. I've been having thoughts lately about staying at school for a bit longer, to pursue a second major.. maybe. I'll be able to graduate with a higher GPA which would help with possible getting into grad school.. even though I doubt I'll want go to grad school, but this'll help if I ever do. If I go for another major in the social sciences then it wouldn't take me too much longer to get a second major, it'll help with jobs later on. I'm also thinking about a minor in art, if I do stay at school. It's just a possibility for now, I still have to talk to my parents about it. The only reason why I'd refrain from staying at school longer is it would mean less time with my dad. I'm wondering where this studious ambition was a couple years ago. I don't know, this might just be a subconscious fear of not wanting to be an adult yet. :P

3. My desire to go to culinary school is ever increasing.

4. I've bought 3 vintage dresses in the past couple of weeks, I'm obsessed. I've also been really into sewing lately, repairing things, embellishing things, but most of the time just fixing loose seams. I've been wanting to make my own clothes lately, I need to learn how to use a sewing machine.

( Pointless faces.. )

I've been feeling very moody yesterday and today. I cried big, rolling tears yesterday for apparently no real reason at all. I think I may be a tad hormonal.

I've been writing a paper that I thought had to be five to seven pages. I just looked again at the syllabus and realized it's only three to five. I instantly felt better. Something so small had changed my mood completely. Like the other day, I thought I'd lost another pair of sunglasses (would've probably been my 5th pair), it ruined my whole day, I was utterly miserable. I later found them in the back seat of my car. I have no idea how they got there.. I became instantly happy.

I miss too many people right now.

For most of my childhood my dad tried his best to teach me how to ride a bicycle. After numerous frustrating failures we eventually gave up.


Finally at 20 years old I learned how to ride one. I can even do a trick or two.



I'm going to record myself riding my bicycle and send it to my daddy. I think he'll like that.

I'm feeling oddly calm for being in finals week. Its just one of those moments where I feel like everything is going to be fine. I'm terribly excited to go home for a week after this quarter ends, even if I have to come back for summer school. Summer school won't be so terrible though, since I'll only be taking two classes.

I bought a bike yesterday. Its shiny and candy apple red. I also just had to get a wicker basket with pink and white polka dot lining of course. I think I'm compensating for not having a bike when I was a kid. I'm still a clumsy fool on it, but I'm sure that will change with practice.

I'm not sure when I became a foodie.. but somewhere in the past couple years I have. I've always loved to eat, and appreciated all kinds of foods, but now food is so much more sensual to me. The smells, flavors, textures, colors, and presentation. My friend got to meet Giada De Laurentiis today, she was doing a book signing in Costa Mesa.. sadly I couldn't go because I had class.

Living on my own has helped to develop my cooking abilities too, and I'd do it alot more, and buy more cooking ware if I had more time and money to do it. I really, really want a pink, Kitchenaid standing mixer, and the food processor too. :P


I'm actually considering culinary school after I graduate. Those culinary schools are no joke though, at least the ones in California. I signed up for more information online, and I was expecting to get a couple packets in the mail, but they actually called me, multiple times. One of the callers, from the school in Pasedena actually got a bit icy with me when I told him that I was just considering and really didn't know what I wanted to do and he told me "Well you need to come here to see and take the tour, and you'll know right then and there if you want to or not. And remember that we still need to accept you into the school." Haha, I thought it was all a bit overbearing.. and I also didn't know that you needed to be accepted into culinary school, I thought as long as you want to, and you have money that you could go.


Also, me and Henry's 2 year anniversary is coming up on the 9th. :)